Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
