Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
