John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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