saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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