I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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