then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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