Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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