shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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