So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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