I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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