I CAN MOONWALK!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
