no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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