Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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