Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
