Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
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