he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
