Just cropdusted the office
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
