I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
