If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
