I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize