if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
