I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
