My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i think im in europe. pls send help
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
