she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize