Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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