i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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