Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
