Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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