I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize