You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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