Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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