DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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