Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
