The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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