Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
