She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
