the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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