eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
