Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
