Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
