I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
