I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
