how can u be prego again
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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