Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He did a backflip because drugs
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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