You're a womanizer and a bitch.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
