Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
