Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize