took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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