i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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