I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
