im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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