You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
