he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
