just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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