he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
