One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
