I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
