I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
