No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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