you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
