You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
