farters have to be the big spoon...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
