wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
