if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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