I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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