I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
