i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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