Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
