nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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