i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
