He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
