I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
